SHORT STORIES

                                                           

                                               A Mad Adder

A zoo employee was bitten by an African puff adder, a large poisonous snake. He was trying to put the snake into a bag so that it could be moved to a new snake house. The snake handler was wearing heavy gloves and thick boots, but the adder sank its fangs into the man's neck. The handler squeezed the snake’s neck tightly, forcing it to withdraw its fangs. He then put the snake into the bag and tied the bag.

He called the zoo administration to report that he had been bitten. When an ambulance arrived at the new snake house, neither snake nor man was there. The paramedics started walking back toward the old snake house. A few moments later, they found the man lying unconscious on the trail. Curiously, the bag with the snake in it was covering the man's head and part of his chest.

The paramedics handed the bag to another zoo employee, who delivered the snake to its new home. They then delivered the handler to the city hospital. A hospital spokesman said that the man was in good condition. He said that viper bites can cause a lot of tissue damage in the immediate area of the bite if not treated properly and quickly, but it looked like this victim would recover completely.

The zoo director said that this particular adder had a nasty reputation. This was the third time in six years that it had managed to bite someone. Fortunately, the previous two victims also recovered fully. In the future, he smiled; they might call the bomb disposal unit to handle the snake. 

                                              A Jealous Girlfriend

Gary and Alma were having problems, again.

"But you told me it was okay to call up Carol," said Gary. "I asked you if it was okay to talk to her, because it was her birthday and I've wished her a happy birthday every year for the last 10 years."

"But you had already promised me that you would never call her again. You promised me that. So, you lied to me."

"But I had forgotten that I told you that. You know that I forget things. I'm not going to argue with you; you have a memory like an elephant. But you've got to believe me, I completely forgot. And more important, Carol is just a friend."

"No, she isn't. She's still in love with you."

"But I'm not in love with her. She can love me all she wants, but I'm not in love with her. I never was!"

"Well, you say that. Maybe it's true. Maybe it isn't. But the important thing is that you never know what the future will bring. You say that nothing will happen between you and her, but you don't know that for sure, because you don't know the future."

"Yes, you're right. No one knows the future. I could fall in love with her again, and she and I might run off and get married and have nine or ten kids."

"Again? What do you mean 'again'?" 

                                          A Life-Saving Cow

Six consecutive days of spring rain had created a raging river running by Nancy Brown’s farm. As she tried to herd her cows to higher ground, she slipped and hit her head on a fallen tree trunk. The fall knocked her out for a moment or two. When she came to, Lizzie, one of her oldest and favourite cows, was licking her face. The water was rising. Nancy got up and began walking slowly with Lizzie. The water was now waist high. Nancy’s pace got slower and slower. Finally, all she could do was to throw her arm around Lizzie’s neck and try to hang on. About 20 minutes later, Lizzie managed to successfully pull herself and Nancy out of the raging water and onto a bit of high land, a small island now in the middle of acres of white water.

Even though it was about noon, the sky was so dark and the rain and lightning so bad that it took rescuers another two hours to discover Nancy. A helicopter lowered a paramedic, who attached Nancy to a life-support hoist. They raised her into the helicopter and took her to the school gym, where the Red Cross had set up an emergency shelter.

When the flood subsided two days later, Nancy immediately went back to the “island.” Lizzie was gone. She was one of 19 cows that Nancy lost. “I owe my life to her,” said Nancy sobbingly. 

                                       A Noisy Neighbor

Barbara couldn’t take it any more. Her upstairs neighbor was blasting his stereo again. She had asked him twice already to turn the volume down. The first time she asked, he was surprised. He said he didn’t know that she could hear his stereo.

"Yes," she said, "it’s just like your stereo was in my living room. I can hear every note!"

He said he would keep it down. She hoped that he was telling the truth. Of course, he wasn’t. The very next day, he blasted his stereo. She marched upstairs to remind him of his promise. He said the volume was so low that he could barely hear it. She asked him to turn it lower. He said he would try. Barbara could swear that when she reentered her apartment, the music was louder than when she had walked upstairs.

So, this was the third time. She took her baseball bat upstairs with her. She knocked very loudly on his door. When he opened the door, she screamed at him like a crazy person. She told him she would kill him if he didn’t turn the music down and keep it down. His eyes got big.

She went back downstairs. She couldn’t hear a note.

I can’t believe I said that, she told herself.

                                      Fishing for Girls

Wednesday night, Howard asked Glenn if he wanted to go fishing and girl-watching that weekend at Santa Fe Lake. “We’ll leave Friday morning and return late Sunday night,” he said. Glenn said he had to clean out his garage, so Howard went by himself.

Howard had also planned to lie around the hotel pool, soak up the sun, read a good book, and look at pretty women in their bathing suits. His own apartment didn't have a pool, so whenever he traveled, he always liked to stay at a place with a pool. But when he arrived at the hotel about noon, he saw that there were no pretty girls at the pool. There were no girls at all. There was nobody at the pool, because the pool was empty. It was being repaired all that week. The staff had “forgotten” to tell Howard this little detail.

Howard called Glenn late Friday night.

“How was the fishing?” Glenn asked.

“Didn’t see any, didn’t catch any,” replied Howard.

“Well, did you catch any women?”

“No. And don’t even ask how many beauties I saw at the pool. I didn’t go to any bars. But I did go to a Mongolian all-you-can-eat place and had a good dinner. I think one of the waitresses liked me. She asked me if I wanted extra ketchup.”

“Well, I hope you said yes. Any time a woman asks you if you want extra anything, that’s female code. It means they like you.”

“I said no. There was a whole bottle right in front of me.”

“Well, you blew it. I don’t know when you’re going to learn to pick up on those signals. Next time I’ll go with you and show you all the tricks.”

“If you knew all the tricks, you wouldn’t be divorced three times.”